Straight up into the Water
This section right here is right now -at the time I'm writing this- the place where things are going down right now. Anything else is at the time pretty much just there, while here, I got me into trouble of some kind, or, well. Not trouble - actually - quite the contrary even so if I were asked, though, I have nothing to show or proof that. Well - and that is - the kind of thing that is from my side of the story uberly silly.
Working with these "Enlightenment Upgrades" is difficult, although, nothing too complicated. I don't have to solve any weird riddles it seems, just, make sense of what I know. Thinking outside of the Box. Usually I would basically jump into it, argueing away straight onto the difficulties my head is spinning around. I had to learn; though it might not make sense/be just a step on the stair, not the whole thing itself; To not read these difficulties like I could argue along, but as something. Well - right now what it allows me to do is to basically see the opening in the wall, see where I have to make sense.
Things about the recent reality flash first
Second attempt: I'm not a boy - although - my male side still works. I've recently visited a hooker after the Spirit overtook my heart into "now its time" mode. That is once I think: "I might" and a force overtakes me that I cannot flush out of my system. Eventually I can ... have a thought or two about it, handling it, working with it, but those either conclude into 'doing it' or 'not doing it' while the result is yet always 'doing it'. It is not just the arousal or "kick of the forbidden". That is there too - but there is more.
So, I've been there - then - and made an experience that basically is to solve this "final glitch" of the message here. No matter how you'd imagine it - there is 'one' way I'd be doing "it" (having Sex) - while ... sex with hookers is a bit of a thing. There is this saying I read: "Love: 70$. The regret afterwards is for free!". I've had that too. There was this cute blonde and I've been to her more than once, but, each time was - although Sex is biologically still and just only that - not quite that satisfying. Each time a little bit of BDSM was involved - that was with others though - the experience has been generally better. Each time the woman was a bit more mature - too. But that isn't necessarily the rule - just - a general outline. There was this one time - where I wasn't entirely sure yet 'how' to operate - and I on the way to the brothel thought of a certain room, went blindly right there, payed, had it - but - I wasn't pleased! But lets not get stuck in details like that!
I guess the actual problem that wants to be solved is the issue with "finding the own self" within words - and those words then. Point A on my first attempt was: Don't get stuck on the "what feels good/right" idea - but once you got an item that turns out to be a thing, think further. I can be gay, but, thinking about being gay reveals to me that I'm not! I'm into women, but thinking further reveals to me - and that is something I would expand on at some point - that I'm more like a lousy dog than a good Lover. In that sense the woman to me is food - and 'all that matters' is that I get my satisfaction, although, that is just a figure of speech. How can I say?
I guess I might begin setting up a straight forward context about making love in general. What is a touch worth? Is it just the sensation on the Skin? Well - nope! Science has come up with the term: 'Erogenous Spot' - which is a first term where touching is, well, 'context sensitive'. To me an erogenous spot is at first however one that 'I' want to touch. Then, what kind of touch? I'm not talking about anything that goes into realms of pain or torture - I'm talking of gentle strokes and that sort of things.
There are so many things someone can do wrong! I guess that whenever I had regrets about it afterwards, I would have come to the conclusion: "I'm in the wrong room here!" if I had given myself enough time or had enough time to think about it. This is a far jump, but I believe that it does at some point come together. There are the things I 'can' do within the margin of what brings me pleasure - and there are things she would 'need' - and way around. If I can't feel how my joy would bring her joy and way around - things wouldn't work.
I then also happen to know how it is to get touched, licked, kissed and stuff - as a prostitute. The situation is different. Once you are the one "engaging" you have your hopes and wishes and in that sense whenever two make out together and are horny for each other there is no problem to that. Otherwise he or she would not be in the mood, say no, and that would be that. The hooker however isn't asked, neither is she given a lot of startup time; Chances are like 90% that you just interrupted her - so that it would be just a 10% chance that she's in a situation where she 'might' be horny - so that the chance of her being horny is at 1% or so. Maybe even less, depending on - well - factors of society.
But there is still something to it - but not every touch will do, and, erogenous spots - well - might just be "wired with boobie traps", as a thought guiding the issue (to not get stuck on them however).
Next ... words! As a piece of advise: Try not and never to attain any kind of 'technique' or 'skill' from what I formulate here. Be yourself. Two things: 1) (as a 'by the way'/was part of attempt 1) I think that people that fail in hitting on a girl/boy or anything of that sort simply 'don't have it' - where 'it' is just that ... whatever they would need to be in order to fit into their own dreams about what comes after the first success. 2) (as procedure to move along) I have a certain joy from going on my knees before a guy and sucking his cock - as it would be suitable for a slave-whore, but therefrom thinking that dominantly acting down upon me would work out the same way is a failure. It maybe doesn't make sense, maybe there is no apparent difference or reason - but first up is it for this issue round abouthere the next step that: A hooker/whore/sex-slave is nontheless a human being, whether it got legitimately tagged as 'sub-human' or not.
Therefore I take it so that I in terms of a plant yet need to be watered, or in terms of a beast: To be fed. Clearly: Logical human respect for the living.
It is in that respect that treatments upon someone else are always a matter of synergy. I got certain kinks. Some of them allow for serving someone, others allow for being served. Being a good and submissive slut allows me to serve. Being masochistic - so in the sense of playing victim - needs others to serve me - kindof. In that "they" will 'rape' me - but actually just satisfy my sexual desires. That however implies that they can't just do it any way - which is possibly a bit too harsh to say so, but, its along those lines.
I also have to wonder: Why is it that I'm so disturbed by ... formulating myself as a female? I guess that it is a trick. There is some influence somewhere that wants to ... uhm, OK - lets put it that way: 'Crack down on me once I take back all the female stuff'. I can feel it in a way that in some way does practically eliviate all the questions: Whatevre I say about being female is wrong because I am yet male. I can feel the weight on being male. I mean - that my factual male existence is the weight that pulls down all expressions that go into the other direction. It is kinda driving me nuts! Brutally so! But ... there are certain things that would allow for a less paranoid explenation of that problem I'm having there.
Some parts of it may in-deed deal with the problem of words. Or - the pragmatic use of certain thoughts featured so far.
But - for the paranoid side: Formulating myself as a male that therefore has to be male and that because I am male and so on - that isn't gonna work! I'm formulating my male side sexually: Lousy Dog! Period-esque! That is not a 'beastly man', neither an 'animalic wild-cat'; But in some sense yet more like a female cat - after all. Well, once we got beyond the point that expressions like: "I don't care about the woman actually!" does however still imply all Love required - we'll have a much easier time specifying ourselves. The idea is there that I don't care about her - while the idea of being good and loving kindof makes me heart-sick - but in order to have my fun I can't just go in and out like a jerk! I have to Love myself to know how I want to Love her - or Love her to see how I would respond to what I see. And that is finally where it "sticks". From an Unenlightened perspective this is pretty much the offset to the idea of doing something, waiting for a response, evaluating the response and planning a next step. From an Enlightened perspective that means that I'll get an idea of how shee feels which in combination with my attitude produces a next step. In a silly way: She doesn't want to be touched in her face, ergo, I'll touch her face. That is kindof what I want to do: Loving women into being sluts. Thus I'm not just touching her face, but I'm touching it in a way that will make her like it. Sounds brutal - but is actually a matter of Kinks. Therefore the example was silly. Also - 'doing it in a way she'll like it' is a bit of, well, something ... I at least would want to believe. In greater detail is it more so that I get a certain feeling from thinking about doing something - while I'm doing something else - so - its all in the flow. Either way is the picture worth nothing - well - except for the end maybe where I'd either come in her vagina or in her mouth (while she's laying on her back).
But back to the paranoid bit: I've now stumbled upon several occasions during the recent posts where the question was there: "Why can [I] not just be ... 'that'?". It is like this persistence on me being male - and after all just a way of 'saying' that I'm wrong, even so about myself. My writing about it here won't change anything about that either - I'm sure! It was there earlier as well - so - there was a time where that 'pressure' would have actually convinced me over. But here's the thing: Even if I were convinced of being a 'man' - well - sounds silly already - OK, which I am, somehow - nothing would change per se except my menthal setup. Straight? Straight! So - even though I describe myself as a woman I'm not talking differently to anyone - I at least am not at that point yet ;). By the way: One of my 'Mottos' comes straight from Martin Luther or what is told to be from him: "Why do ye not fart nor burp - did this food taste ye not?". Just to say as much about me being a Lady as: ... that! Well. I don't need to 'play' Ladylike to be Ladylike because I AM a Lady and therefore all that I do is Ladylike! Kindof. So - in that sense! What we all can do is to get into a certain 'mode' - like - at least can I think of "becomming male" and going my way "like a boss" and starting to be disrespectful, down-looking, arrogant, ignorant, better-knowing and all those negative things that would be 'male' and 'making me successful'. And there is then the 'bad guy' - where I don't do these things and describe myself as a woman in order to evade that appearance, so, in form of a theory that cannot be proven or tested but interpreted from various conditions while some fools that might believe it will make it a Truth that is a Nut that I can't crack! So, all the "why don't I?" then - so - why don't I do that and once I meet a Lady behave all like a Gentlemen again? Too Late? Cursed? All possible options that fit the idea - so - whatever will do will do!
It causes this other way - where in the flipside, if I were really female, I would have to behave accordingly. So, both sides require me to behave a certain way - and - that is - well - you would guess: Not the way!
So is there however a conclusion: If I'll find my peace with dozens of pretty women, as a man or as a woman, 'that' negativity, that "paranoid end", will always be negative for as long as the source to that influence remains. So, what can I do? Right now I could turn 180 and be a man, not to be a man, but to let my psyche further act through this male body. In the end it is just this suggestion that is going to cut it!
For instance - take a look at yourself without looking into the mirror. What do you see? You would see parts of your body - but now - in conversation with someone you're just - not there! You aren't male nor are you female! Except during those cases where your gender is something in the public spotlight - like - we recently had a new collegue and she was kindof cute and one of the few females there, and at that like a 10/10 where the next, well, would be, more of a 1 or 2; And everyone all of a sudden behaves differently. But technically are our bodies in the neutral sense only reference points for someone else to have a visual target during conversation. Other than that we could also be perfectly invisible and it wouldn't make any difference.
However do Hormones noticably alter consciousness! I'm there not only willing to accept a biological component to our Psyche, I know that it is a fact. It is very obvious. Men and Women behave differently because their biology favours and dis-favours certain psychological qualities of the Spirit. Thus do I as a 100% woman yet have not the slightest problem of acting from within a male body - and that basically because there is nothing I have to do left or right about it. If I want tender loving, I'll have to take into account that my 'base functions' are slightly different - well - but pretending like I can't have a penis because I'm a woman although I do have a penis, that is - nuts!
I can effectively work on changing that - OK! But - without money - I'd have to bet on the health insurance to cover for that - while OK, in germany it is an acknowledged illness and I might at some point just have to take that route because effectively I'm tired - or - the idea of finally getting reliefed and being a woman is just the way to go. 'The idea' is the way to go. But - for insurance to cover it - I have to get through psychologists and years of proving myself - and before I start anything that won't finish before it'd work out somehow else - ... and you can't expect that from me! Its - a glitch! It doesn't compile properly!
Thus: I'm a man - no doubt and you could congratulate me for this stunning act of self-recognition! I am the spirit I am that is resident of a male host - and what we might argue about is whether I should leave it at that or if 'the desease is real'. I however do not want to volunteer for any experiments of that sort!
To expand on that: You can read of me - what I am like - and leaving the gender question away - is the gender question solved by providing me a perfectly legitimate set of options. So is it here perhaps the problem that I'm moving into hypothetical space again - so - the alternative being to not do so turns me into an asexual person that has the strong urge to have a female body. It is like a pair of magnets. I however do not want to be victim to people trying to far-diagnose me while those don't even have a degree in psychology! Psychological aid should also imply the asking of questions and stating of suggestions where this whole 'far-response' bullcrap only makes me nuts!
Well - what is the point, or the issue, or the problem? I write this because I feel there is a problem. I feel that I have to tell that I'm a man. I'm a man that bears a psyche - and that psyche - whether it is female or not is kindof the issue. If we don't acknowledge that the psyche has more to itself than what the biological mass accumulated - then the conversation for me is over! The opportunity of having a body is a realistic consideration - the implications thereof consequentially influencial and correspondingly significant. If a human being then can only be defined via 3 nodes that have to be taken from a text-book of utmost idiocracy - then I'll pass on it! The amount of nodes and ways taken in reflection to common good ideas depends on the individual - which is much about 'the individual' - which is - well - lets at first take the word: Resolution. Imagine three sheets of paper. On one you draw a black dot. The other you spray with colors and the other you put three geometric shapes of different colors, but each in a uniform one, on. Next, if you need a standardized 'path' of some sort - then you are close to being called a Nazi! Take a trip into WWII - german history - their methods, ideals, oppinions, ambitions, philosophy - scientific, proper, 'GERRRRMAN', all has to fit, get sorted out, put into drawers, analyzed, patternized - ABUSED. EXPLOITED. CONTROLLED. I therefore feel much better in a system that cannot be controlled by humans - except they are Enlightened - because - that why!
For each paper you'll have to come up with an individual structure. If you have 3 shapes on one paper, and 284 on another, you'll have to regard a different resolution - although after all it'd all fit into some 9-fold pattern. That however doesn't describe the individuals routes - but what the individual makes of itself to correspond to them. Therefore can a single word such as SLUT be as complicated and cryptographic as a 32-core microprocessor specifically designed for an individualistic purpose. Therefore one would not want to deal with it as from a text-book, but through life!
So - break-point. See - once the Antichristians get disappointed - so, lets say they wanted us to believe that 1+1=3 and a Christian finally proved in the name of Christendom that 1+1 is actually 2 - would you think they'd acknowledge? To my experience they'd all act up about the '2'. "What a Nonsense" - while thinking of 2. "Totally incipid". That to a point where we would eventually change the numerical system and flip 2 and 3 around! That is 'their game'.
It works! Politically their system is, from an objective standpoint, perfect! It is perfect because it is in their design to find the most perfect answer - to once make it easier for them to make us want it - but also because they don't want to loose control! Therefore we have to believe that this kind of Control is good for us! It will be good for us if their scheme works - if it is plausible, doable, taking care of everything. On the one end they'll just have to flip a switch here or twist a few knobs there to hold us at ease - while being put at ease is thereby effectively something good - since we after all complain where we have a problem. If we don't complain anymore: Problem Solved! So, if their game rolls and they want 2 to be 3, then what am 'I' in still wanting 2 to remain 2? Nothing! Just a little child that doesn't see the spirit of progress! I would want you to learn how to escape those things however!
Next - putting me on the maturity scale from 0 to 10 - like in terms of responsibility, trustworthiness, things like that - when it comes to accepting my definition of myself - I'd possibly be somewhere at 0 or 1. Entirely subjectively and perfectily and 100% backed up by ... highly payed scientists that would also tell their mum was a vegetable if they got enough money.
We want to get rid of that, we don't want to be manipulated in that way, we don't want to be bothered by that kind of stuff/oppinion/manipulation, we want to be free and if that is by them considered to be the way back into the medi-eval. I'm however not into turning Amish and for as long as we got one Micro-chip manufacturer on our side we can! There of course is this darkness that exists while there are no perfectly clear outlines yet. We can be made believe that all technology is in their hands. That we are dependent on their mercy. Of course - the classic! Fear, Pressure, Withdrawal, ... and somewhere along those lines: Terror, Bullying, Mobbing, Humiliating, ... all things, really, that if you would put yourself on the side-lines to simply observe - draw a simple picture of their righteousness that scores their Righteousness right around 0. Maybe a few minor points for some form of decency - which does however not count considering that they can also be reviewed as being masks. Eventually I'll give them 1 point for something of a Gentlemens honor, but, it doesn't quite cause an un-objected satisfaction. Lets say that they could possibly be a bit more cruel - and that they aren't is something that could possibly regarded positive - and to some oppinion does suffice to get a 100% righteousness score - well - Revelation 6:6.
So does the problem expand for me - and beyond this - into everything else. Lets say you were able to accept what I tell of myself - what then? They'd loose! You would say: "Yes Amen, no problems left to be discussed!" - and that's where you should have been the moment you heard about the Testimony or at least some time there-after once having ... well ... the growth turned out to be more complicated, lets put it like that and leave it at that. But as it turns out - there is always something 'left' that 'can be' discussed - and if they urge on it - it kindof sortof 'has to be' discussed.
It - so I "read in the Ether" - is entirely un-acceptable for them to allow you to have a good oppinion about me - where - the emphasis in this is the idea of 'to allow'. They assume to have that kind of parental control upon you - so they will from the get go make your behaviour dependent on their permission. Depending on how you react - well - you'll get a score and eventually survive their planned "cleansing", which is assumed to exist. In that sense do you have a choice: Either you'll be(come) their Bitch or you join the resistence. Anything in-between is kindof useless.
Getting into Trouble
As initially described - is as I write of something. For the time being it might improve something but sooner or later it'll get back to bad, quite as bad or even worse. Right in this case it got even worse - but not as an evaluation of consequences, but, because there isn't much they can 'attack', well, it is sortof - stronger in total. So: It sucks more.
I can not even see the Light - effectively. That is taking me to the suggestion that there is no problem - so - because their objections are entirely random - that there is nothing to really formulate a reasonably objecting oppinion about. But their sheer persistence eventually gets the job done, sortof, while they make no sense whatsoever and thus confuse everyone they talk to.
I for myself would expect the following: I complete my writing - the problems would be gone - all would be fine - and we can move along together. That means as much as: I write about certain problems, solve them, and there-after can return to the other things - but - once I get to the other things I don't feel that I alone can do any better than I thus far did. So - right after I posted the Demo-Enlightenment things skyrocketed. After I posted stuff about "Team X" - I was surprisingly undesturbed by it. As I there-after continued with doing my IT stuff I realized where their help would start to carry. As I got into time issues and organizatory problems between coding and writing I understood how it/that should work in that regard. So, I'll possibly write something - like one of those many things I didn't come to finish - and instead of having to work on it or make it finish or even think of working the incomplete stuff into this site, I'd pass it on and eventually so required feedback or different perspectives ... well ... it would grow over time while I can look back at other things. So: I realized how things are supposed to work! There the emphasis is on 'supposed to'. I can certainly get along alone on any straight example I could give you - while if I asked the crowd about it the answer might just be that nothing else is supposed to be - which is - one way of presenting a fact that ... well. You can be made to argue that way - because there is a truth inside. Now would people there however have to scream louder "'supposed to be' is 'what individuals will offer their services for'" - or in that sense. I can't say that its supposed to work that way because I can't order anyone to behave accordingly. I however do see that things would work better if not perfectly that way!
Also is more about Team-X just where this is going - the - one thing for now that I have to write about. But before I do so - a little sanity check (that is not to say that I'm totally sane - it is to show in which dimension of sanity I'm moving right now): I have to think about what is required, wanted - and such - where I have this worry: Once I will begin to play along with the idea that they first have to proof that they can what they would be required to do in order to work with me - I will basically have to write the blue-prints for my projects to let them code them. Because I won't take that route and will heavily resist against it - the front-line will yet be there so that I'm eventually yet convinced to go that way. So there is a variety of things they can do - from what I can tell/know/have seen/experienced/think/believe - which is however all straight from the classic of villainity, from pushing to pulling. So are there two ways though: Either to describe their connection to me in dependency of IT, or to take it Sexually. Another question makes me want to know how their influence actually manifests to them, where "I won't allow it" comes in - which is either way the end of both ways. If they however would take the way, any way, without prooving their IT skills then they could for instance try to make them look stupid, silly, like a bunch of stupid sluts that couldn't tell the windows from the menu key - or - left from right control. But - I'm motispired (that is a mix between 'motivation' and 'inspiration' while being less inspiration in that there is no 'spiring' but neither just being motivated due to a 'spiring' comming with the motion - so - motispiration ... uhm) - to just tell you exactly how its going to work.
Welcome - to the Real World!
At first we may all have seen how it turns out when women try to make games. Maybe not - and that so for the better - possibly. But another thought: I have seen sexually themed fantasy being from a fantasy standpoint more fantastic than non-sexually themed fantasy, and yet does sexually themed software turn out to be bad. Since I've been back from L.A. I have kindof 'claimed my warfare' - which is basically all about M.o.A.. I'll do it. I'm better. I'm best. I'll show you. I'll flat out destroy any currently existent idea of what a good game is! I'll simply annihilate, extinguish, erase, SHIFT+DEL|RETURN, the current idea of gaming. Thus I sat down and made some sketches - some of which are available on fanmade.daeryabaar.com. But that wasn't/isn't enough. Good look for me that I cannot effort any kind of market-reserch! Plus being Enlightened helps too!
The point is simple: Since the dawn of 3D - well - mankind has lost its ability to adequately code games (or just at all) proportional to the progress of technology. Enlightened Fact. That may have a variety of reasons - like lets say: The western ignorance unto countries that don't even have adequate water-supply. In that sense can we today even still enjoy those old games of back then - which is quite literally as much as saying: Everything since [some-point-in-time] is basically for the waste-bin. Since it got to the point where one can't even install the sodding thing without an internet connection - even more so. Things like MMOs or mostly Online Multiplayer anyway games are different. Also a bit on the better end are those 'Zeitgeist' games - that pop up every now and again and make life a bit more fun. At some point every game is good - and beyond that the basic oppinion does split - the oppinion about what my goal is - in terms of value or reason. Since the idea is to at some point also have a new Operating System that will replace Windows as the dominant one and that also from the perspective of Hardware support, there is the complicated matter of porting the old stuff over - which is - sotospeak the value of a game. Writing a SNES or NES or any sort of emulator the generic hardware can handle would be - well - not even an issue. That is 'my' idea - but - it isn't. It is a display of the facts - as revealed to me - put into a comprehensive context. Divine perfection creates Divine practicality.
This thing is also 'un-adaptable'. Windows will crumble, Linux will not gain that much popularity and anything else ... well ... would need to beat us! Oh yea, Apple ... well ... lets say that that OS isn't gonna cut it anymore either!
So, the headline promises a reality flash - so - lets try that: The skill of programming or dealing with technology or anything information technology related is a gift of intellect. But this 20th century society has an entirely crooked idea about that (intellect) and there is little to nothing a believer as me can do to proof that. Lurking in the back are brain-explorers and psychologists that dumb the mind down in an attempt to find mechanisms of control - sotospeak - and effectively my way of getting along with it is the best and only way: Just ignore them and move along. But this movement will have to be a mass movement - where mass-movement also always implies that the intellectual ideas the mass carries is less detailed and more based on the visible than the scientific context thereof at the time. In the sense is there a shift of authority that is proposed - where the majority will simply acknowledge the "new thing" - while at this point there is no use in arguing about it. I simply imply that our stuff will be so good (that 'much better' is an understatement) that it ... will be that way.
Which also may be due to Enlightenment.
Moving on we could think that all of Team-X are actually geniouses. That is anyway where its going to end - because that way whatever we do would get as little intellectual grip as possible. That means that any story about God handing out the talents - well - isn't relevant and what matters will be that we simply do what we are meant to do.
At first there will be restrictions. In effect will we work on things that are nobodies business and we will try to keep you updated on things that are. Then, eventually we've finished something non-commercial and make it open-source as the next bigger circle of social activities on it. So far that.
On the other side will I look forward to start knowing those people I have to work with. In that sense would it also be usefull if I tried to proof myself wrong on being female - and see how the story goes on. In that sense I'm moving away from gender-questions and basically forced into thinking in different terms. Eventually the time however will come where I'm proving myself wrong on trying to proof myself wrong - but that is another story.
I don't feel right as a man within Team-X. Sex is a different thing however. Well yea - Sex. Of course! But before anything usefull will come in that regard some other things will have to be cleared out - like housing and eventually we're too many right now, or, too few. That sort of stuff. Where and When? How and Why? But nontheless I'll need a full and dedicated array of teams already. The answer for them would be that in first we might try to start simple and see from where I'm taking us which kind of steps - like a more appropriate place or something - we'll be taking from there - so: Dynamic. I've been starting with it by thinking of giving IT lessons - and the click moment occurred where I felt 'interesting feedback'. While I was ... doing something else ... I had to think through the "first lesson" - the raw C++ outlines as reflected by me - and getting to the pre-processor made someone basically 'want more'. Well ... "more preprocessor? How that?" - so, yea. The pre-processor isn't just the code inside - but also the structure of external definition, inline options - globally and locally - thus basically everything from code-layout to structure is somewhat implied in that interest. There we got our "System Manager" ... or what we might call it. Neither too difficult will be someone to take care of the OS basics. All that is needed is an understanding of assembler and hardware routines and we're in business. Although I know and use Linux, we'll also need a Linux geek of sorts in cooperation with some Networking indivdiuals - because that will get us into business, kindof. Someones will have to feel home with Daeryabaar.com, someone else with Cryptology - well - all in all just individual things that reqire a certain Understanding - and maybe some Catering/Mommie-dom so we won't feel like outcasts.
Now, what any of them will or can proof should be narrowed down to one thing: Intellectual independence.
Sexually I'm following the idea that we might be part of one thing. As far as my feelings are concerned is there however most certainly something like a core group of individuals that shares my nature - while wheter or not we will be one large living community is something to be figured out along the road, although my heart tends towards more rather than less. However should it practically follow the simple order of desires. The desire towards me can therefore be related to by a circle - where those that absolutely want it to be stand in the center; And - that is however - all part of that getting to know each other.
I'm working with it on my mind as though it were real because my heart can barely rebuke the idea. Lets say I had another list of quite as many celebrities of equal beauty - as I've had at one point I'd say, if not at more points - the feeling would be different. I mean, nothing feels wrong about it. Nothing. Just the look at it has something unreal to it. My mind is basically already totally half-way dependent on it - from any standpoint; Where I'd have to totally rewire my life and find me a couple of new interests to ... well ... have it make no sense anymore.
After all I'm not all that good at writing "reality flashes" - and I'm otherwise ... well no - lets ... . The idea is that I'm frequently in the mood of making myself look worse than I do for the purpose or pleasure of finding some peace and joy in the simplicity of simply existing. This will also be the point here. There is no duty - there is no test - there is no work; There is nothing else but a life that wants to be lived. Whether we create useful things or bullcrap will be totally irrelevant because what matters more is that we get our lives straightened out - and that to me isn't a matter of complying to the crowd. In another word: Large Families have not for nothing ever been the most influencial entities. They exist somewhat coordinated through their head - and thus will the individual not need to comply to the crowd but crowds will have to comply to one another.
Thus I wonder in how far we will be a unit. Effectively, by me, we'd all be Slaves and we would be turned on by each other as Slaves, between Slaves, thrilling each other deeper and deeper ... well, eventually there is a limit; Which is basically where time and effort don't scale with - I dare to use the word - normality.
Once more I've lost my trail of thought - so
Pardon me for sucking at structure and such
But in my defense: I didn't even have the chance to design a structure for this. It's all just in my head - but right now this is what it is and since I'm working alone here right now this isn't much! This is for the moment. In terms of IT I would count on the fact that IT is fun!
So, my mind is spinning towards more of Sex - as for the rest we've learned that I'm really depending on the Lords mercy!