And now everything sucks again

Which means: I stopped to continue ... and the meaning of what I wanted to do there sortof blurrs before me. Working on other ends already stopps before I can begin as the simple thought of things blows my mind - which is part of yet another problem because I can't continue over and over beginning anew and each time loosing all the real work I've put into it. I want to make it all new and have it all there, but then I wonder what it is that I want and I can't figure what it is.
I'm so distanced from everything in the past right now too - be it the very recent, anything sexual, or the longer ago - anything about the Gospel and what not. Nothing makes any sense anymore and everything I have and want seems out of place. Finally is the layout of this site right now and the recent post here too a good example of it all in all.

I set it up anew some time ago and now it sucks - I'm unhappy with it and want to stomp it. The recent post is one of these things - I contradict to myself, I try to be nice and open but in the same time thats the mistake. I have hopes but why or what for? Something makes sense, gave me a better feel - gives me hope - I let myself in on it to a degree, but whether I don't do so far enough or whether that bit is too far already - well - who knows or cares?


I want to throw it all over board, start anew, but I've come too far to do that. In another sense is it where I am, at the beginning again, and still don't know where to go. I can try to reason about it but where'd be the good about it? I can refuse to think about it and see that the end to anything I could start with is too far away to be reasonable. Oh yea, so obviously, at this rate "the end is near" - whatever this end would be!
But I don't seem to be capable of doing anything with my time - anything I lay my hands on seems to only make it worse. I can't even find any good in getting my stuff sorted together.
Everything sickens me - starting by my own sexuality and because I can't just remove the entire philosophy from my; Well, a final no statement to it would throw me back a little ... like ... 10 years-ish; Where oh, 10th Anniversary of being baptised is near ... . Where was I? ... anyway ... that sharpens the dilemma; And since it is highly unlikely that this here will change anything about it - there really isn't a way of making anything any better.


This however falls in line with having had thoughts to just re-attend church. That however, well, I once tried to explain enlightenment and nobody really cared. Because at the time I explored my inner being to find answers, well, I guess I drifted away while the Truth added up to it. So I wouldn't know what to expect - but if I'm anyway supposed to find a way into normal life it won't really work without it anyway.
And so I can already see the Vultures smile - which wouldn't stop me though and doesn't influence my decision making; However - yesterday night has been one of those again where all of a sudden I've been plagued again by ..., well, lets call them Phantoms.

There never really was a point or good to 'having' or 'fighting' them. I would wish there were a Law that would forbid phantoms to exist and a way for me to sew them - but obviously that is only wishful thinking. I have an idea of why they came - and that takes me back into the swamp of my own life. I have a weird comfort and discomfort; Yea, another dilemma; With my sexuality. Sometimes I feel as though its wrong, that I'm emotionally sick, turn away but in turn things keep getting worse. And that is what I see if I look for the 'normal life' way to its end - that I end up "normal", but, alone, desolate, irrelevant, meaningless, ... - because my entire life was just lived for being normal for no reason other than, survival. First Survival, then ... one gets used to it, gets into it, then its a matter of fitting in, etc., etc., - which to me 'means' most definitely a 'change of heart' - a change of myself - to comply to something that doesn't really work for the own self. That doesn't really turn 'normal life' into an option - actually - so, all in all I'm helpless, lost, alone, desolate, irrelevant and meaningless, ... etc., etc..
Usually I'd leave it at that, but I just noticed that there is a slight shift of what life means.

So, the way I 'exist', physically, is effectively no different to what I would call 'normal life' - and yea, well, the similarity in the projected circumstances might speak for that too. What I'm thinking about in terms of 'normal life' though is the ... way ... uhm, the interests, the things I'd do; And ... the discomfort I'm having 'could' in that regard rise from an 'abnormal' way of living my life ... a way I could also live 'normally' - where its all just phantasy and what I think of as I try to sleep.
I mean, 5 or 30 minutes in my head before sleeping can barely be called life and add up to enough all in all to be what it should; In opposition to which my life simply sucks - period - where arguably taking it 'normally' wouldn't change a lot but at the very least could I theoretically so far at least follow my own priorities and kindof live to my hearts content.

I however find that one big problem is time. Even one fixed appointment per day like lunch is already, if it were up to me, un-acceptable. But when it gets to life however, what really matters at first is the company or what I would call family and because 'normal life' means 'normal family' - I won't have one other than mormons and that again requires me to "pretend along"; Though there is worse - definitely!
So, to summ up: Life right now or Life alternately stretched back into 'normality' is in about the same and equally bullshit if asking me - where 'normal life' isn't much more than to get used to how it is and to do me that one extra bit of a favour of re-attending church from where things might be going uphill, at least for me personally, again. Church so were the Light at the end of the tunnel - and from there I might get re-organized; And the reason I object to this is because ... well ... the spirit makes me see and understand that this 'improvement' wouldn't really be what we've been having on mind all together. If anyone waits for this to happen - or wants it to happen - I'd want to do all kinds of horrible things to that person at least ... which is an attitude that contradicts to sitting back in church and thats another thing that sucks. Makes me wish I'd be given a pair of wings and a flaming sword and tabularasa.

Equally would the ideal be just a more ideal 'life' around duty with duty being - more on the trivial side although as in my case where there is something that wants to be done that can't be stopped other than by violence or ... I mean ... I've got something to do which right now isn't really possible - and nobody can change my mind about it. Its dis-satisfying as it is - which is one thing of many. That it sucks! It sucks! Thats the point! It sucks that I can't do what I got to do! Any smart-assing ignored, thats just the way it is! Other things suck too - other things like everything else at all!

PS: The actual point why I don't come to answer to questions some of you may have - no matter how reasonable or appropriate - is because God won't let them enter my head once I have the time to write about them and that is because I'm not supposed to answer them or that at least not this way! Its your problem!