Blood-Lust Sucks!!!
OK - this one should be interesting, well - in case you really started to take this whole Sexual idea I'm having seriously! So --- what'd be your guess? Your best guess? Your first one?
I can, say, relate to you in that I can think about how I related to this subject in the past. In this whole "background story" thing that is practically ignored by me - there is stuff going on. I'll put it this way to have an easier slide into the whole subject. This background story is for you best understood as simply Chaos, Chaos of Things, things ... well ... unmentioned and without context right now but lets say its part of what makes me get angry but not really.
Back in the days I've been tempted ... well, is what it might get called. This isn't really ... OK ... ... lets not trip over words, alright? Temptation. Well, it has been more of a surge ... impressions of impressions kindof that in a literal sense - though metaphorical - grabbed for me, tried to ... well ... if the purpose was to "lure me in" it did Hell of a shitcrappy job at that! Not that it wasn't strong or anything like that, but it was anything I despised kindof, at the center of it the production of Babies to nourish some Sexual Activity I'm gonna get in more depth with. It started as a Theory but it felt real. In the center of it is this "theoretical" ... if I call it 'the Elite Secret Environment' at least the Conspiracy Theorists and those familiar with such should get what I mean. Its about Sex, Orgies and keeping the Kink alive. Since this whole society is described 'as those that have fallen' it is literally all about Evil and thereby not the Enlightened type of - which is basically contextually something I'll add more detail to over the course of time I guess ... . Forced to ... as ... contrast or outlines to sortof draw a line between the ideas.
It has been my basic understanding back then, more so after I had been exposed to those feelings more and more, that this whole "Desire for doing evil" - well - lets take it into a Portal reference and say: "The cake is a lie". Well, *spoiler*, the cake isn't a lie at all, suggesting the End of the Game isn't just a surrealistic thing; But with this twist there comes the twist: Which cake?
The first thing that comes with the primitive idea of 'doing evil' is some sort of Freedom - being Free to do whatever and at the epicenter of what the individual is freed from would be the law. Christians, educated ones, can say: Well, there is another way of doing that! Of course - that is the other way, my way. So are these fallen individuals ... well, celebrating their freedom through committing sin, working on their Kingdom and coating it within excuses for being upset about God to then call it all Gods fault or something like that. I don't claim my impressions there to be perfect; But that isn't the point either. So, the point is that at some point I had been tripping over some images and suggestions and boom there it was: "They are eating their Babies". OK, enough with that!
Its chaos! Its a construct of mind floating in the void and randomly connecting with stuff around emotional impressions. What can I know?
More sophisticated could we talk about Power, what it does with people - things like that. I recently saw a documentary about a guy named 'Jodorowsky' - who intended to shoot a Dune movie - which was not accepted by Hollywood (too crazy) and so the Film was done by someone else. What I want to get at is an interpretation of Jodorowskys personal evolution. He appears to be a somewhat maniac person - and if we look at why Muten Roshi (Dragonball) chose to act as Jackie Chun to oppose Son Goku in the Tournaments Finals we can draw the hypothetical conclusion that its like that: Would Jodorowsky's vision have become real, ... ... I don't mean to ... lets put it another way: Success can do crazy things to our mind! We move a way and while we succeed we have no reason to look left or right. Holding power is, as I understand it, equal - and the more power one holds to be set apart from the crowd and the more respect that individuals have of that person, the more this 'situation' will sharpen into extremes.
So, what I'm looking at when looking at this 'Chaos' is simply everything going wrong that can go wrong within variations of some things being done right - more or less - in all different ways though only fragments at a time.
This kind of stuff is also what 'should' definitely worry us within cases of Sexual playing. In BDSM we use 'safe-words' to 'say' Stop without saying "stop" so we can say 'stop' without meaning it. I've however never really been a big fan of it, although the pragmatic use is obvious, because having one is like ... fake. But on the counterside the idea of not having one is all about extending the experience more and more into the extreme and that at the last bits end might mean ... death.
Things like that a slave is a slave and the only way for a slave to get free is to die. I don't like the whole concept either - since to me: Being a slave is being a slave and there is no escape, no freedom ... but that is a whole different story.
I can though realistically compare that also to drugs as lets say liquor. Liquor is an easier way to experience the loss of control, of boundaries, of social rules and standards - but after Baptism everything changed about it! I still get drunk, still loose control, but something is different. It is more than just a faint and vague something or anything I could make up myself. Thus it is referred to as 'cleansing' because it quite literally has a cleansing effect! Suggesting it to be an illusion is to me like suggesting that if I clean the floor that is just an illusion too!
So, because it always comes down to this and to me the problem is solved at this point - there is from a provisional standpoint nothing left to add! (That there is a different between a "wrong" Baptism as say the Roman Catholic version (Roman Catholics are creepy!) and the 'right' one as considerably the one and only (Mormons are cool!) should be common sense!)
I've had the impression sometimes - I wanted to address it but couldn't find any proper words - that those whom I would engage with sexually are withdrawing in their own interest due to a fear for the situation to escalate as suggested previously. Well, solved, therefore: I figure it makes sense for me to reflect on how I experience the whole escalation within the terms of Enlightenment.
At first - it should be obvious - there is no escalation because the whole idea is that the individuals perfect that grows inside already is the complete escalation of it. This also provides you with something to objectively reason about. This escalation equals perfection and therefore: What desires can there be that push it any further into either direction? The ordinary person might suggest: "the 'more' thing" - but ... well ... this is a problem of concepts. The 'more' is integrated into that perfection, it is a part of it, and only looks for what it is tied/connected to. More is only more of the same. Sometimes more is though a more of something that isn't expanded wide enough yet and vastly does concern individual relationships and is basically coupled to the eternity of growth that is yet to come.
(Its not my duty to proof any of it to you! I'm not pretending any of these are facts! It should be clear from my generally unreliable way and being effectively prone to error. Obviously: God is the one! He will have to proof it to you and ... that is that!)
The way I experience can be compared to watching a movie. Well, that is effectively so since I do imagine the one part while I can barely do the physical part of it to myself. What extends my belief/trust/faith beyond that is that I'm having desires I want to live up to but there is no way I can because the biggest part of it is a social issue. But more to the point is it so that the movie will also always stay in its confines. The more you repeat it the more details you'll see - but that doesn't change the picture itself!
Well, so do I however think within boundaries which imply a certainly unnatural, eternal craving for more ... despair, demise, sadness ... hopelessness ... damnation ... which is at first simply one step behind what is "rational". 'Rational' would be to have a safe-word; Or to simply say stop - whatever. Things that are under control. Giving this control away may on the one side be an illusion too - but the setting is to move from A (sane) to B ("insane") and that is the picture. This 'insanity' is described in some way and the picture never extends beyond it.
Extending the picture beyond that is a matter of assuming further action. Now, in context to emotions this might seem probable - but the emotions in the Enlightened sense aren't just the egoistic desires of the individual but are the individual part of the whole; So that assuming that anyone ever goes further is assuming that this one wants to - which is now where the patterns of logic are different to 'mortality'. Instead of assuming that this moving further is a break of the ideal, it is part of the ideal; Because nothing wrong can happen! One might call this 'the idealized idea' - which it may be of course, but keep on mind that the whole point is to 'live' the ideal.
Being a prisoner, raped, abused, tortured and all that ... well ... that is very specific and very demanding. So the question could occur: Who would want to uphold such a reality, who would want to be a part of it and how the fuck would it be maintained? So, prisonage at first: If I am somewhere where I like to be and have no reason to leave - I'll stay there. Staying somewhere kindof is the point of being imprisoned. Thus when I speak of Love - it is at first simply that, no matter how the emotion itself is composed. When I so choose to stay somewhere and someone then locks the door - what happened and what happens? Disregarding my personal emotional reactions and simply looking at it neutrally is it close to say: It doesn't matter! It would suck if I had to go out for some reason; But it also shifts responsibility from me through a given sacrifice. If I'm fine with it I'm fine with it!
Next is obedience ... as to the image of a slave. This isn't listed up there ... but is sortof equal to being imprisoned. I have a Love for my mistress in which I want to obey - so - I need her to give me something to obey. There I add humiliation as something I want - which is basically implied to being a slave because anything else would simply be a servant. So, what happens is again "nothing" - it is simply a color put upon some ways of life; Where what can be percieved as increased effort of maintenance is literally equal to the grade of abstraction. However, following the road of colouring it normally is it nowhere written that I want to be given orders 24/7. Rape and Abuse are similar - so - what is left is anything ... physical but not sexual ... uhm ... torture.
I however want my life to be a torture; Which in the very least is adding weight to the feeling of being imprisoned. Moreover does it happen that once I get joy from it - while the paradigm of torture and punishment is training and education (taming, etc.) - I (can) know that I am where I want to be. Eventually this motion takes me to the point where I am blindly obedient and no longer in need to be held like a prisoner and that is a turning point that comes along with a few issues. I for myself do picture this 'state' as the far ideal - but I can't really "maintain" it, I can't uphold any joy in it and that can be considered logical due to the social dynamics wherein the pleasure is that of "the past" - which is why I will be 'disliked' in case I ever start to "like" my situation. "Back to before" is however easily done because simply shoving me away would already signal that I'm not working as intended and my devotion will force me back into victim mode. This is the "inner" limit compared to the "outer" one where the scenario would demand that I'll never become loyalistic (stockholm).
Beyond those limits I can still find joy though - however do my dominant veins take over more and more and there eventually want to be a rapist; But still applying the limits in the given sense (back to prisoner) is a positive experience.
It is sortof my primary Kink to ... well ... I have to properly sort it in or out yet. Eventually the whole "Aged Body" thing was wrong - and simply is a from Childhood to Aged kind of thing. But well. Self-rape is simply there and so I'll be excited about every new way of screwing myself a little bit more; Though this more still finds its limits within the picture. In my mind however - in this deeper reality - things already do roll out. I'm loosing my mind! I can't think creatively anymore ... or not as much as I used to ... while thinking about it made me realize that I actually never really was but that is a discussion about art. Of course none of that is actually gone. Even if I lets say did "discard it" (as though I could) - it would only be a matter of circumstances for it to be back up.
I want to be screwed recklessly - so the idea - I want to be sinned on and against (to put it that way) - which is simply a re-formulation of sorts that reflects a social ideal for me to exist in. This is in the same sense saying: I want to be fucked (up) as much as possible which is sortof equal to "as much as I can endure" - though the implied perfection of it there is that the limit isn't my call. Through attachment to Elohim this is simply His call! This is, well, maybe weird - maybe too religious - but the point is that He is who gives joy and does so through it; Which is saying: He does so through our desires. Effectively we are free within our existence and do as we like while He supports our existence as it is supposed to be thus making a few minor or major corrections here and there.
Getting fucked up means that I want to be raped. Not having a safeword means that I'm subjected to my rapists mercy - which can be turned into a tool of fueling my compliance - where what I effectively choose to say is a good indicator whether I'm "in the game" or "out of character". This means however that 'near death games' aren't really an option! (Which is anyway stupid because what good is a safeword or something when I can't ... signal it in time?)
The rapist in me is a silly thing. In essence it assumes a motion that would take more time than I would be willing to put in for once, and simply makes me create a reality - following the 'more' - wherein I would then want to live myself as "my own" victim. Thus I'm feeling castrated from time to time and that is connecting into that Sissy-joy - which is however also stupid but now from the other side. Any chance that I have to "castrate" myself more and more is something I cherish, get even greatful and stuff, but the male nontheless returns and tells me that I cannot put it away entirely. But its being there is a return to the joy of getting turned around again.
Putting it all together does it say that as a Prisoner I'll do all the things I'd do in the loyalistic idea - just experiencing it slightly different though. Of course there then also is this certain enthrallment that comes along as equivalent to loyalty, which is however demanding me to crave myself to be a prisoner, to remain in that situation - which is why I want to get my job done as fast as possible if it helps getting me into that situation. On the other hand do I not see how I can change anything about my minds demise in that regard; Yet while I feel this demise I don't see how I do, socially, get any more stupid. Demise in that sense cannot happen - it is simply a matter of forces that control how things 'connect' ... or don't do so.
Looking at the way things go my future would be that I find a job as Librarian, get my ass to a psychiatrist, get myself recognized as trans-sexual and once I'm operated hoping that I'm still able to work as a whore to live for the rest of my life that way (possibly until suicide). I don't really see myself (there) getting really old either - so I'm all turned on for that. Thus I'm hoping that this isn't going into the Astair field and leaving people that wanna join me with the suggestion that I don't want them here! The death part isn't really my Kink though! Its just a consequence, which basically kicks in where I look at my age and the inability to add any more sense to my life.
Getting into the right Environment implies that I can, then eventually, work as a Whore as Whores are supposed to work - not like in the free-markets world which is simply the whole reason for forced prostitution, abonimable prices for renting rooms and all that exist! Money! A whores best friend and yet its worse enemy!
My dream would be a world wherein the production of Child-rape pornography isn't necessarily criminal! So the question ocurred to me: Would I want to switch places with any unfortunate girl out there that is ... where I wouldn't want to be, treated like I wouldn't want to be; And by that already it should be obvious that I wouldn't want to! That is the other side of the story but at first I'm concerned about the 'inside', the 'good place', and not what is around it! I have no control upon that and assuming that I ever might have ... well ... isn't realistic at this point! Further, if I'd ever get there I'm 100% sure that others are there before me - so - the whole idea of a rich society!
Outro
I may have a huge purpose in this life - but if what I 'can' give you already (that is the writing stuff ... not excluding the one or the other thing that is yet to come) isn't enough (those things yet to come may be necessary, but not necessarily - there is plenty of time either way I suppose! (or am I wrong there?)), you're looking for something that I'm not! So, I'm a worthless whore in the end ... but why not? I would then not really consider myself entirely worthless either! If you can't live with it, how can you live with yourself? How could you there then even ever suggest to live in a peaceful world? Harmonically?
It is my vision that everyone gets what one needs to live - like, thinking of "network access", a "smart phone", an "ID card", social security - no walking back and forth between government offices, filling out the same god-damn forms over and over again, for what the hell do we even have computers? (say I and along come they with some moronic excuse of a tight system and say: "Hey, we brought it! Here you go!". ...) It has to go down the road of minimizing the investment of resources into 'TECH TRASH' where it isn't needed - but not minimizing too much to cut against progress. But before we should think about buying the yet again next-gen console we should work on sophisticating the production of 'good games' on current gen and put the hard resources more into removing the scars from our planet! But how? How if people are ever always concerned about themselves in the wrong way? So they say: "Oh, he's a whore, does nothing, can nothing - period! Where's the point in that?" - imagine that I live a life without stress, without efforts, without duties, obligations and responsibilities - (burn that fucker in acid!) - uhm ... - *tweep tweep* - while what does that fucker do for us, other than driving a fat Benz and polluting our atmosphere with anything that can somehow possibly pollute it (including audio)?
Or should I be sorry that I even dare to consider that other people than me will do certain things I'm not doing? How the fuck ... ?
I have to be sorry - kindof - in case I make it look as though I'm entirely and only Kink focussed - but effectively thats what I am! Since I was a child! Of course there were those things I had on my mind before I had sex on it - and eventually it took some time for the sex to take its spot - but I'm nontheless following the same 'inner impulses' when I'm ... "into it". No doubt about that! In this sense: This outro sucks because it isn't perverted enough ... its too normal ... it doesn't suit me! I'll definitely still work on the concept of society as the Blue Orb is still missing; And what do I know? God will lead the way! ... and you folks will have to find your own way of "selling" the good news without requiring any reference to me! How to do so without being right away considered pedophile ... well ... that might be the tricky part!
---
However - in the end so far, to this, it is so that the only reasonable way ... for me is to just be male and Christian without all the other stuff and let the rest be, ... whatever it is supposed to be - because thats the way it is. I couldn't follow this way though, unless it 'would happen' - which is what happened - so - which means - I'm done and I really can't do any more in these terms. So, back to normal! Finally