Who am I?
What I learned from Being Enlightened so far
Or: What this "so called" Enlightenment means to me after all (so far)
What is Enlightenment? What does it take for a "thing" to be classified 'Enlightenment' properly?
That is an important issue when it gets to me and myself adequately sorting myself in ... because ... this thing I call Enlightenment changed me; And this thing is far beyond something I could just go on ignoring!
So - is it therefore important? Or Enlightenment?
What is it not? Lets get into that at first! What it is not is ... anything that, pardon me, you might assume falsely! Logically! Is it therefore Enlightenment? Well, I like to mention qualities about ... "it" ... and thereby come to reference certain aspects that would allow me to verbally conclude it therefore, but, well, lets say that 'Eternity' is a great factor in all of that and when it comes to you properly recognizing my idea of 'Eternity' it is clearly 'my' idea that I 'for myself' would relate to - and because of all of that and misconceptions that may arise lets just ignore all that and say: NO - it is not 'therefore' yet Enlightenment.
But lets put it like that: Lets assume that I were Enlightened and I would tell you about it and you would try to Understand it - what errors could both of us make?
You would wonder at some point, disregarding the previous question, what this all gots to do regarding me - and I have mentioned that I changed. Explaining that change a bit further might just get that point accross.
The first change that ocurred to me, one we might also call 'Enlightenment' by some general classification, is when I entered the Nazirite vow. That one is "given" in 4th Moses Chapter 6. I did it and it changed me. It changed me in as far as that my life gained an entirely different meaning and that almost as if a switch got flipped. At that time I really didn't give a shit about what people were thinking of me - I just did my thing, but more so to the point: After I entered that vow I had a thing "to begin with". Prior to it I had the ambition to learn as much as I could about the Bible so I wouldn't need to believe what I was told about it, but at the time where I entered the vow that has been years in the past and I had almost forgotten about it. I had learned a few things but - well, whatever; After I entered it ... doors opened. Quite Literally you might imagine a cavelike maze - and within the vow it was like ways were turned into walls and walls into ways; And lights were turned on. A rather harsh an inhabital environment all of a sudden became a cozy and inhabitable place. So I went on exploring that place - that became "my thing" - and long story told short: I finally ended up becomming a Mormon.
With my Baptism that vow should end as I vowed to be a Nazirite either until I got baptized or until I died - whatever would come first; Regarding that Baptism is equal to death. Anyway - if any Baptism would do the vow ended before I got baptized as a Mormon - and between that and the Mormon baptism nothing really significant happened. After my Mormon Baptism things did once more significantly change.
This first baptism did leave me in a state that I was actually afraid of while still aiming for Baptism within the Seventh Day Adventist church. I felt as though I would be lost in a prison of mind - not really 'knowing' whether I was baptized or cursed. With Mormon Baptizm - well, I got out of the water, checked inside of myself and a feeling of redemption came over me. As I thereafter regularly went to church - the whole time was simply blissful, emotionally, leaving me without a doubt that its the right way! That however changed once more after Enlightenment as I call it.
So far the point of that story is to say that I have undergone a few changes throughout my life. With the Nazirite vow it was like I discovered a treasure map and therefore would dedicate all my resources into finding it. With Mormon Baptism it was like having found 'Home' - it is really hard to describe if such expressions won't suffice! Its not 'home' like 'home sweet home', but, after all an entirely new comprehension that evenly 'adds' context to Biblical expressions.
To get this picture into a better frame though: I was a little bit of an outsider. The church has "a few" of them. They are practically those in their 30s that haven't got married yet - though I wasn't 30 at that time yet. The Mormon Church is basically a very familiar and family oriented environment - and so - having no 'real Family' yet other than the church as a whole made me feel a little bit isolated - but welcome and 'home' nontheless. Not everything was entirely clear to me either! I joined the church because of faith; Understanding that there might be plenty of counter-arguments about joining the Church but prioritizing the word of God at first! After I was baptized I had time to study - the scriptures, the history - and things became clearer! Clear enough to see how Mormons around me lived in a state of delusion created to protect the Truth inside. The keyword is "The Golden Chain". The Golden Chain says that: "Because the Book of Mormon is true Joseph Smith was a Prophet and therefore the Doctrine and Covenants are Divine Revelation and as it is written therein that Jesus won't allow his fold to go astray the President of the Church is a Prophet of God". My Understanding required me to however break that Chain in order to make sense of some counter-arguments; And the basic 'plot-twist' is that "Although Joseph Smith was a Prophet it isn't told that all of his words are true!". The idea is 'intended deception' which meets the so called "Strange Act" (Doctrine and Covenants 95:4 and 101:95) - to say that if we argue that all Revelation of Joseph Smith has to be true we take something for granted that isn't verified. Furtheron does such arguing that takes unverified things for granted encourage flawed methods of reasoning. Its - well - picking the easy way, fundamentally supported by arguing that if we couldn't 100% rely on Gods revelation we wouldn't be capable of knowing the truth! When it comes to the Testimony the hypocracy thereof does however stand revealed once taking position against the Mormon Church! The Technical "final argument" may there be that: "Because the Mormon Church "cannot" be true the testimony must be wrong" - which stands against "Because the Mormon Church is Testified as the True Church everything that argues against that Must be Wrong!". And between 0 and 100% there is an Eternity of Space! If it for instance were possible to directly tell which of the things that Joseph Taught were wrong, the argument that we need to be able to 100% rely on everything stands revealed as debunked!
Yet so I stand there as "the One who knows the Truth better than anyone else" - or rather: "One of the few who has a clear Understanding of the Mormon Lore". The Fundamental idea is to Live with that which is - and the rest is faith. In that sense it didn't matter to me if someone wanted to trust in the Golden Chain or not as its all kindof the same. But I however learned to make a few general distinctions as to in first place ignore the Churches Doctrines while taking the one given in the Book of Mormon as the real one. My urge to spread the Light however sortof got me into changing the Church from inside - but Enlightenment (as I call) it changed things for me.
As it stands I mentioned twice that Enlightenment changed things for me - but both changes are essentially the same. The gist of it is that being a Mormon was awesome, I felt home and all that, and because of that I would take what I know to help making the Church more accessible to others. So, I guess ... a thought that crossed my mind was that I should become the Prophet of the Church some day - while other considerations evolve the idea of moving on independently. The sole idea of "founding" a Sect was however a no go - and it still is. Thats just it! So I would remain a part of the Church and do my best and eventually adapt as good as possible - but Enlightenment as I call it changed that!
More to the point though: Enlightenment (as I call it) changed Everything! A few month in something was going on for me that might best explain a very general aspect of those changes. There was a thought on my mind that re-occured in different ways throughout the time and it basically delivers the idea that some people concerned of my story will think about me in certain ways while we (God and me) essentially go entirely different inside. The point however is that I didn't really deal with this thought. It was like a thought that comes and doesn't get stuck and therefore goes away again. Therefore I always was intending what I showed, always trying to be as straightforward as possible; And thereby doing these mistakes that would lead unto folks thinking this or that which furthermore would bother me and keep me going by trying to rectify those things. This thought however, whenever it "occured" to me, wasn't wrong or pretentious - it was to me simply true; But relating to a different Level of my Psyche. So, let me explain some more!
To me, what I do is Life. To you, your life would vastly be the things you do in the same. My intentions and corresponding actions that ultimately may be considered failures were 'Life' and respectively you might say that I failed in it. That is however finally just the way it looked! In Truth I was simply trying to Live up to the very best of my knowledge while everything going on in this world, including my own acts, was and -IS- only secondary. OK - sounds like ... nothing, really; So - putting it in other words though its about Plans and Planning, thus saying that the actual Plan I got isn't the one you might think I got; While that one you might think I got is just the one I got nontheless. Whatever you're thinking now - let me explain a bit further!
At first - lets get away with the Paradoxon! So, actually, when it gets to Plans, I have no Plan! I have thoughts and Understanding and the gist of that is that I think and understand that there isn't much that I can actually do! Lets call that 'LEVEL ZERO' because its more than just a web of thoughts. It is essentially everything that matters inside and it evolves as primary "field" of correspondence. It is everything from the deep inside regarding the own self and the own relationship with God out to how I think of myself in correspondence with and to others. Its also like my own castle inside of my head - but not quite as plastically real and physically there; Its in that sense more of a feeling. The things that are going on there basically "end" in the realization that I'm alone - and much of what I would do can't be done because there is nobody to do anything with. This more generally creates the suggestive awareness of being detached from the social reality around me. You might say that its like being in the wrong movie. The gist of it is that I might now go on and write about Eden, or that I might link you to the Eden Section on this site, but I'm looking left and right and there is nobody I could deligate to look into it for me. Linking you to this section wouldn't be a big deal now, matter of fact I just checked to be sure that it really is on this site (Vault/scroll to the bottom section, find link there somewhere) - but actually doing more would beat the point. But well, [here you go] - and now what? Am I dick about it for adding it or a dick about it if I hadn't? It doesn't really matter. What matters is that it would belong into the section of me reviewing my Nazirite vow and now some would be a dick about me not doing whatever I haven't done - where the point simply is that I wouldn't have added that Link for just that reason. It isn't a matter of the immediate consequences, but a matter of the act of doing so and the purpose involved related to the greater idea. In other words is it so that if I begin doing something that I shouldn't do alone I cannot really destinguish anymore - between what is my work and what isn't - and on top of that don't have an idea of organizing my time and efforts; And that isn't directly a concern of the product but a concern of living. As you should recall: This is LEVEL ZERO I'm telling you about here. In further translation that means that those that are concerned about me for longer may now start to be upset about things that lead unto things that I would be upset about but have been upset about long ago already. That what I was upset about was simply the fact that I'm alone, trying to explain how that isn't the point. The thing upset about furthermore was the stance of expectations on me - to do or accomplish this or that which in my understanding is intellectual effort done that I wouldn't have to do anymore if people were to fucking talk to me! It should be clear enough that taking this thing as it stands is close to stupid; So: I for instance get the idea that I should do something and then grow upset about it because it would be someone elses effort to tell me that. That however isn't the point! The point is that if that individual were present and Enlightened that individual would a) not make a simple demand like that while b) seeing further than just making a suggestion. So, "to take home" from this: LEVEL ZERO isn't - not in the slightest - adapting to an Unenlightened Society.
In other words: I'm growing as an Individual, in the Enlightened sense, to play my part in an Enlightened community which is matter of fact based on the ambition to co-exist in peace - and before you think you can tell me all about it; Lets talk about "mind-bending" first!
Whatever someone does influences that same individual. If we for instance live in a foreign country speaking a foreign language we may after some time begin to think in that language. If we get used to having a certain item and we loose it, we may yet "miss it" - like taking a look at that watch that we just recently lost. Now you can look at me and two ways I might go: The one is to do what I supposedly must do (the things I get upset about), in consequence bending myself in favour of the world; The other is to be the way I am and in consequence bend the things I do in favour of myself. A "third" thing is what I have been previously much engaged about: "Becomming the own self". The basic position is that one that is bent through the world will have to straighten itself first. That is a concept of Enlightenment and bending myself in favour of the world is in that regard counter-productive. What it means to straighten the own self is for instance about un-earthing consequences of self-denial. This world does for instance have very specific sexual standards, especially when it comes to someone who wants to deliver a spiritual message. The message I want to deliver would require me to be more of a frigid heterosexual man - while judging from what I sexually am my message should be a different one. So far about cliches and drawers. Now do you certainly not really know how much I would need to bend to become what you would want me to be - but for all means of proper communication and tolerance you shouldn't require me to be something I'm not before listening to what I have to say! Matter of fact you've listened to me "so far" - and why break the 'good mood'?
So, LEVEL ZERO grows in a scope of conditions that is inherant to ENLIGHTENMENT; And at first ignoring whether or not I know anything about it: My position in this world comes in two ways: The one I think I have and the one I do quite actually have. As far as I understand it is however even a little bit more complicated than that! Its: What I Think I am, what I am, what I am in reality and what I think about that reality. None of that however concerns me in LEVEL ZERO - because all that is 'me' there is that what I simply am. First conflicts arise when I'm trying to be something that I don't want to be. This wanting is at the basis of all bending that is going on. Through my time as Nazirite I for instance came to work a lot - I was busy, enjoyed it and was eager to craft things like pamphlets; Thereby, for the most part it grew to a self-understanding I have of myself that I "do such things"; So that when I got to look at myself now, that kind of behaviour sits on my mind as though that were me. When I however want to go on and be that way I can't; And maybe that is just because I'm not a Nazirite anymore - but I believe that as a Baptized Christian I should anyway at first rely on what is inherant to that. Well, anyway. At first doing certain things feels strange, then follows distanciation and then eventually reconsideration. Anyhow - what I do exactly changes alongside. While what I would want to do would take me one way - not doing them creates space for something else. So, instead of comming home and sitting down at my computer right away to continue working on whatever I think I should do, I come home and do whatever I feel like doing; Therefore don't do what I thought I should do - while - the important bits reside a bit deeper than being just boldly actions!
Whatever I am, its clear that Enlightenment is at this point a topic that kindof overrides that. So far I've been doing quite fine without getting into any detail about my intimate secrets; However, being more detailed about these LEVEL ZERO changes requires me to be a bit more specific about them. Besides that there is however still a lot more to be discussed. So, back to the Planning part.
I might have made this sound a little bit like I was going to say that I can't do what I should do - at all - because of being myself. I could write about Eden but instead of helping me, Enlightenment hinders me in doing so. Its like saying: There is plan but because I'm Enlightened I can't execute it. However, there are things that need to be done - whatever the case. What doesn't concern me on LEVEL ZERO however is a matter of something else. So - whatever the case: learning about LEVEL ZERO would be as much required as anything else - kindof; And I can't miss the target if the target is simply 'to exist'. Well, however things might stand at this point; I'm gonna get back into more LEVEL ZERO stuff now!
At first - instead of looking at it as at a change of Activity, lets look at it like at a change of the wiring that leads to the same activity. One simple question would be: Why am I doing what I am doing? If I'm thinking that it has to be done, I need to question why it is me that has to do it. The simplest answer to all of that are the circumstances, but following that reason creates an identity of circumstance. In that sense I might label me as Prophet or Chosen - a simple figure of purpose - but as consequence I don't quite exist 'myself'. Asking for what I like would in that case lead to answers regarding my taste, like Vanilla or Chocolate, but more specifically asking for what I would want to do would lead to answers of purpose. But what does a warrior do when there is no war? So you might wonder - since once metaphorizing me as a warrior there is in deed a war to fight - what is more important? In another sense however the question is: What is accomplished through what?
Anyway - I don't know that and that along the lines of: I think and understand that I can't actually quite do anything. But because there is nobody so I could do the things I would, I'm left to doing what I can. So the point round about this LEVEL ZERO thing isn't that I learn to do what I would, but to do what I can as myself, rather than as an empty vessel.
This however changes everything I do since whatever I do is rather an act of self-expression than anything purpose-driven. Mmmm, well - regarding that Paradoxon: The plan should certainly be to get people on board of Enlightenment - as I call it - which also is most certainly the purpose of what I do, at least those things that I share, like this. That may sound - and that is why it took so long to explain it - as though it would just be a matter of tripping about words and the exact definition; But its more than that! Its about purpose. You could take it that it is my purpose to deliver these things to you - but the Truth isn't quite as simple! Like the issue with the Golden Chain, there is that about what exactly and how. Now, what this here is at this point is specifically something and that in a certain way - and what I'm going to tell you next will continue to be about LEVEL ZERO - vastly - which at this point may specifically be reviewed as telling you that what you project of this purpose isn't quite essentially me!
Thereto - taking out the Bible - you could flip to the end of the Gospel according to John and be riddled about what those words about the Death of John might say to you. Will he Live until the return or Christ or what? Flipping to Chapter 41 of the Book of Isaiah and reading on towards 50 will make another thing clear: God elected 'someone' to do 'something'. What I'm trying to get at is that if John were that 'someone', it would be John to do that 'something'. As the Bible further goes have the Apostles not always been getting what Jesus was about - which is as much as saying that John might be knowing 'what' it is that he would have to share, but not how and when. Thinking on a bit further ... we might even consider: If he wouldn't know how and when, neither being told, he wouldn't do it at all; But if he died and redescovered what he had learned he could be so naive to try sharing it. What you don't know, possibly, is whether or not I'm John or whether or not this is part of Gods plan - but neither would you know, on the same rule, who that Prophet were and what he'd be supposed to say! I for myself - I had this ambition to learn things and from learning I grew confident that I had a certain purpose in my life; But ... more than that have I never been arriving at a point where I could simply settle down and have peace with my life. Instead I learned things that forced me to move on, learning of things I couldn't possibly have peace with except this purpose of mine was true.
That means that I simply sortof slipped into learning things I wanted to share; And being faithful about it isolated me from things around me and will logically only allow one true salvation; And that is found in sharing this Enlightenment!
I am what I want to be - and to further shed light into that expression: Desires are the source of wanting - and finding those desires that correspond to the own self (as opposed to the own position in the world) is finding the own true self! So, I have a purpose alright. Accomplishing the goal becomes a desire and thoughts of how to accomplish it become persued by desires. That is an example of a desire that doesn't correspond to the own self - at least not directly. Seeing how much this world sucks without the Truth creates "the Promised Land" that ultimately holds the capacity of becomming a personal aspiration; But is still not truely self-corresponding. If I may brag about myself I would say that I'm a good person and that I'm more concerned of the big picture than about myself; But I might in that also deceive myself. It could also have been a God given desire that fueled my ambition to share the Truth I've learned about. Nontheless have I grown more selfish over time; And while I was originally not giving a damn about what people think of me, that changed too with Enlightenment. Its like a 6th or 7th or whatevereth sense I've got - letting me know what people do or could think of me and if I know of something to correct false oppinion I'm eager to express that. Once its about me either being fine with me the way I am or abandoning myself in order to feel fine I however go for myself; Which is where I still give a shit about what people think about me! In other words: If its the truth, so be it!
That however also to the point that if you think respectable of me - I get a bit uneasy! Even if it so were in favour of my purpose here - the thing is that its generally bad to think too much about what kind of a person I am if you need a basis for all this. If the issue is whether or not I am the Prophet - then that should be the issue. If you need a why, the reason that God wanted it so should suffice!
Well, I intended that as raw outline for naturally you might wonder further. You should at this point however be able to Understand what I'm getting at once understanding someones goodness or matter of fact righteousness in terms of acts. Either that, or you dig deeper where its all about ones perception of things. Those are however all things that can change; And in best cases should grow towards the idea of being good and righteous without bothering to do so. So, after all, the reason 'why' God would choose me may remain to be a Mystery or be a matter of too many things to properly account for.
It might help to think that I 'want' to be as Righteous as possible - or 'the Most Righteous' entity alive, but that isn't an exclusive thing. Because that intention gets further "Lost" in aspects of individuality - like for instance which Righteous deeds I can and cannot live up to - you should rather focus on the essentials of Enlightenment as I call it and that is all about God! You will have to trust for instance that I am 'righteous enough', sotospeak; And if you take that one bit further, trusting in God rather than in me, you'll have to Understand that He is as much responsible for it as He makes it out to be. If I so bragged this on my own righteousness, how could I guarantee for anything but myself being in tune? I would have to require you to be righteous enough on your own too - but in what position to promise anthing is God thereby? Because you can understand the correlation between the own self, social harmony and desires, you only need to understand Gods power upon desires to get an idea of something you might hope for! Its literally speaking: Self-Transformation to the point of perfect social harmony. Its a matter of speaking: Metamorphosis - a Metamorphosis where Righteousness, literally speaking, only matters as much as finding personal satisfaction; Like you only wanted to be left alone. If you're willing to comply to Gods standards you show that you are serious; Therefore serious about changing yourself and therefore in tune for learning what is necessary.
Of my own experiences - when I write about them you'll read a lot of ego-centric stuff; A lot about desires and a lot about me being a Whore. In that sense I may append here that I want to be selfish and arrogant - therefore those are desires that correspond to me. Therefore I am selfish and arrogant, but that alone doesn't result in acts of iniquity. If I for instance come home - about to do something important - and don't do it and that because of an inner urge to be selfish; I am in-deed selfish and therefore possibly as bad of a person as you might think I am. That way however I'm bending myself; And through God that is either feeling good or bad. But when it gets to the point where I got to do something and do so without inner conflicts I'm anyhow adapting. Whether its right or wrong may reside in the eye of the viewer, but you might therefore try to figure out whether I'm trying to deceive you or not! If I'm not the consequence must obviously be that what I'm telling you is in a trustable equivalence to Gods teaching.
So I'm growing selfish, but that only shows within aspects of my own privacy. If you implied that all my 'unselfish' acts are only a coating for my devious internals you might therefore be right, but whether or not its truely just about appearances would still be a more fundamental question. I guess its better that I leave it this ambigous - because - I am a good looser! I mean - I don't really like winning all that much and therefore am generally sufficient with less so that I might be 'unselfish' although I'm actually selfish at all. I guess that if I couldn't trust that God would take care of me things would be a little bit worse, maybe I couldn't be that easy about things; But so the big important thing is really just how things play together. We would be fools if we required bad things to be just and simply to be capable of performing righteous deeds.
So - best think of me as a selfish cunt! Those things really start to matter once it gets to Loving. Loving isn't either, good or evil, yet it can be both. If I were to be with someone who wouldn't be compatible with me, I'd be a bad person because I couldn't offer sufficient Love and Affection! Going any deeper here will turn selfishness into something more complex than it was on the surface of things. Selfishness may have multiple reasons or effects; A selfish Masochist will turn out different than a selfish sadist. At some point everything can be selfish - and because it all is at some point just about the own self there is nothing other than selfishness to begin with. Going further it is however little about those desires - and more about being a Part of the Whole.
That I'm saying that I am a Whore may tell you as much as that the thing I want to do for a living is to get fucked; But in first place, while that is yet more of a distant dream, it is still more of a burdain to me. My Enlightened Growth urges for balance - thus right here and right now I have to feel stressed and burdained by performing these deeds so I understand that my salvation resides within something else. All that accumulates unto how I think of myself - and the more sophisticated that is, the more such things will influence me! What I think of it in terms of how my life should play out doesn't matter! All that matters to me at that point is that I am the way I am! I mean - thats all I can relate to!
So, lets forget about that for now! Moving onward there are two very destinct feelings that I both call desires. The one is a very clear and clean desire - the other is a very deep and dark one. Dark however in a craving sense - technically dirty because of ... things. It is technically a very comforting one, but the comfort isn't really there - unless I think of a very specific individual. Its not a burning desire - but when thinking of my past it might be what caused those burning emotions that I've grown distant to. But well, describing them this way may be of little use after all. So, the clear one is of sexual nature and extends to the point where I want to socially exist in correspondence to it - that means: I want something intimately and feel even better about it when I accept the corresponding form officially. The deep one does essentially do the craving for individuals and does thereby hold specific conditions that I would want my partner to meet. So far, having thought of the one or the other, these do differently resonate with the clean one and generally within different aspects between the two.
Thinking of Monica Bellucci specifically I kindof got into a situation that I don't seem to be capable of getting out of. Sometimes I am for instance totally unrestful inside and am quite literally tortured by not thinking about her. Yet the closest match to my clean side that I have found so far is someone else, at least to the point that in the sense where the thought of Monica resonates with that clean desire its still more of the dark one. That however is the logical consequence. The way I understand it now is that the deep desire looks for different things than I for myself, but I finally do only get to 'perfect peace' once I find the fulfillment of what I want for myself within that deep desire. What was at first more like a glitching together, so - somehow 'suggesting' the two things together, did at some point turn out right. The problem was that only one of the two was really actively driving me at a time, so when the deep one "haunted" me I would look for its fulfillment within the conditions it imposes. Thus I would look at myself as a boy who loves a woman and whatever I was clear about regarding myself was just something floating around and somehow being important. Over time that would work out less and less - and finally it so turns out that the right attitude regarding that deep desire is to not regard it as a personal one; But in essence being more of a signature of the Love I need. That Love, consequentially, needs to embrace me the way I am - and thus it finally works together as I believe that her Love for me consolidates me for what I am. So, because I didn't see it as an indicative of her Love for me at first I supposed that it was mine for her. Seeing it as hers for me resolves into my Love for her as the outer hull of my clear desires in which sense I'm accomplishing the realization of what I am through Loving her in that way. So - finally its even obvious that I need to Love 'her', to so make it count as a relationship. I think it didn't quite get clear yet though that the missing part was an issue of trust. Without that missing bit I was confused because the clear and the deep desires were in conflict - and if I would favour the one side I'd worry missing out on the other. We can call that a natural safety mechanism, somehow, because unless these things come together perfectly one would be essentially unhappy. Expressing each desire individually led to the result that I grew more and more aware of them, but finally I needed to let it be her Love that puts the two together.
In other words: I suspected, although the literal truth was always just around the corner, that my Love for her would follow an individual fulfillment. On the other end I tried to denie the deep desire due to the conflicts it imposed, but then beginning to worry or be otherwise conflicted so that I however otherwise sought to account for them - while however that finally missing part was not on the radar. To me it was all in all simply a matter of craving. Craving for what I wanted to be and craving for whom I wanted to be with ... although, that craving for her usually turned out to be more a matter of me expressing me for what I am. The thing, to get to the end of it, is that the deep desire isn't a craving but a giving.
I might say that I finally am not really into her - but into what she wants to make of me. While it is however essential, the big thing for me is that my Love for her contradicts to what I am - as while my Love for her makes me consider myself male, the consequence of becomming myself (which is female) does feel like a violation of who I am, but because that isn't who I want to be it feels awesome; And if Rape were the wrong word, it might also be Abuse. So in essence that consolidates what I "suspected", which is that my entire existence is one of being enslaved or whatever else arises; Which however is, technically speaking, against my will. All Righteousness that matters here is that for myself; And in the same sense that of God unto me as an individual. In that sense I vastly exist as part of a whole in which sense I'm vastly concerned of myself playing the role of a Whore. That would after all turn out to be my priority and the greater good of it is at first that of my immediate existence or sotospeak that of my immediate surrounding; But the latter isn't really my concern. In that sense I have peace and righteousness within my own reason, those things that matter to me; While properly told is anything beyond that a matter of those to whom it may be of concern! Whatever I do beyond that is second to that. Paradise would mean that there is nothing beyond that, Realistically that is excluding other recreational activities; But in the end it stands clear that if God wants anything more than that from me, He'll make it happen! Therefore you shouldn't be so much concerned about me doing those things the way you want - but about God doing those things the way He wants! Therefore I can after all only come to one legitimate conclusion: I'm a Whore - and whom I'm going to serve will be up to my Pimp; But before that I'm just a boy Loving a woman! Thats what I'm giving - to say that what I want to be is not what I am until my Love for her concludes into it. That way its easier to say that there is plenty of space for me to do things that are more important than being a Whore; While what I am is yet more than just what I might be.
The way I am, the way I Love, what I want from Loving and whatever else - those are at the center of what I am creating my 'inner identity' or 'true self'. That comes along with an ideal body, an ideal environment - and the further we moved away from those ideals the more my true self would be pressed into an alternate form. What I want for you and everyone else is simply to get Enlightened because I know nothing better for myself, for you and for everyone else. Those aren't LEVEL ZERO issues anymore though - but for the Love of God, I've got a hard time thinking beyond my true self. So far. Therefore - I'm a selfish cunt and the more time that passes by, the more of that I am going to be. I'm already at the point where I can barely stand being thought of differently - except there where I have to exist; Because Enlightenment is still the first important thing there. Well, writing 'away' from true self does however make me feel like walking against the wind or flying against gravity - and thoughts as logic and reason get sucked from my mind and that why those things aren't really where this will have to be going. If you understood things right you will finally have no trouble understanding that the concepts of Religion do change too - simply because a Religion that favours BDSM explicitly makes more sense in enjoying it, for instance. But I have written of those things plenty enough, so, whats left is that I'm looking forward to being Selfish and all that, but not to be myself - and that is now changing the topic into which kinds of desires do what. In that sense we might also speak of clarities and desires. So - whatever! I won't get much further with this now; And yet I can't just end this without: I'm a Slave of Lust and am greatful for being recognized as a Slave at all, without human rights and the need to be raped! Therefore I need you to think of me as of Scum and to be satisfied about my Doom!
Those are just feelings though - and they are as real as that I would lean back if I would feel like doing so, give or take. Its evident that that what I am in this regard does get "visual" at some point; Saying that what at first is simply desires does at the end create a picture. Yet that picture is finally just a static in the vast. Like our lives can be expressed in an individual picture like that - there is nothing more about it than that it is what our lives revolve around; Like a gravitational center orbited by planets and stuff. Some orbit elliptical, others closer and some further away, some faster and others slower, some symmetrical and others not. And while life is our own doing - I can't really demand anyone to attend to me, but there's a Love I need where everything else wouldn't be right. That is logical and self-understood stuff, so, what's Enlightenment gonna change about it? It would be kindof odd if I were the Slave but Enlightenment turned anyone else into mine. Well, either way, ... 'Understanding' is something that comes with it - but, as some wise men would say: If you don't ever begin to Understand you won't ever really do Understand! What I mean is Enlightenment as I call it is a thing that happens, there is nobody truely explaining anything thats going on but nontheless it is ... Understood. 'The Understanding' as I call it is simultaneously just a knowing - yet it takes time to make sense! If you for instance thought that this all is about my Desires and therefore come to the conclusion that this Enlightenment as I call it is just a product of my fetishes you're kindof missing the point!
You'd be kindof missing what its all about. You'd be missing the point of purpose and identity. You'd think of me and what I am as something that isn't really supposed to be - an accident of sorts - therefore suggesting that I should be different, what or who-ever I am! So, what do you think would it matter to you? If you're thinking of all the Knowledge in the Universe; Let me ask you: How long do you think would it take you to learn it; And what would you there-after do with it? And what about those things others can do in the mean-time that are a little more self-sufficient? And finally: What does it take to learn of things you do not see? So far mankind is sending out satellites to peep on planets we can't look on otherwise; And what would you think were going to change about that? That whats going on there, all that high-tech and science stuff, thats some kind of a sophisticated thing - it also involves knowledge and wisdom. Would it suffice to say that thats what it takes? I might poop a few figures out my ass - but that wouldn't really be scientific! And there goes the answer! Whats the point of getting to knowledge and wisdom by skipping on it? Whats the great idea behind gaining knowledge while existing in ignorance of it? There's a good answer I'd dare to say: Science FICTION, Entertainment - and for some that may be enough; People like me. That however doesn't take the things that Sci-Fi is about away - like Science; And if the question were: "Will Enlightenment prohibit Science?" - the answer's a clear Nay!
God is a logical conclusion and His immanence - may it suffice to say - provides that He is far from far away! That's what Enlightenment is about to me - partaking of His immanence; And what would be the point if life wouldn't be livable in consequence? So, is mine livable, after all?
Or is it just a sad joke?
So ... being a bit more elaborative: I Understand the concept of being male - I might even do so better than you, or so the manliest of men, which is to say: Whatever! Being however the active and caring part of a Relationship isn't my thing! That technically says as much as that I am a lazy bum; But I'm sure that there are those that wouldn't want to be that way ever. While they are inherantly so - I'd turn out that way for some social demand on me - one that would be silly considering that as I wouldn't have a gain from that, nobody really would! Whether or not that is legitimate is a matter of tolerance; And that is at first nobodies concern but my own - next to which there are those that are supposed to tolerate it. More to the point are there some that are supposed to Love it - and that is much like a demand but Enlightenment as I call it provides that it isn't a demand for people to change according to my will but according to their own desires, to be themselves; In which sense its not a demand for people changing their ways for me or anyone - but a demand for people that are that certain way. In essence I'm not really all that lazy either - its just that my way of life is totally different to the norm. Technically there is a lot of good virtue in that way of life. I'm self-sufficient at first, saying that I Live on my own - but that with the consequence of being somewhat socially awkward. So, if you wanted to be sarcastic about it - arguing along the lines of that I can't or shouldn't have it because I ... uhm ... want it, because it would be too good or whatever ... then you're judgemental about it. Turning it around, you might try to make it your paradise as much as it were mine. Think about it: Do you really want to say that you would want to live as I do? Do you consider that my life might as well come with sacrifices? Would you want to say that my paradise is much of a thing that everybody wants that I can't have it?
To me it however means as much that I know what I want and thereby the 'lazy bum' part of me is simply that bit next to whatever else I am - saying that by all that I don't have the energy to be a loving and caring husband as in the picture book. So, what if I however then still want to Love someone? Have intimacy? It requires a different Understanding of Relationships! Thats the basis where Enlightenment as I call it helps - Enlightening us in our ways of being, fitting and working together. Therefore it is naturally conclusive that I MUST not change to your demands! Simply because that would yet be another step into the wrong direction!